girl and the sea

so, this last weekend i've been doing a lot of soul searching, for lack of a better term...and a lot of praying.  i don't even know where to begin the time line or time frame for where my mind and heart have been, for where my struggle began, and where i started to feel adrift.  perhaps it's because it has always been a part of me and will continue to always be a part of me.  this is not the first time, nor will it be the last time, where i hang my head in humility and exhaustion and say, 'my God, I am so sorry for kidding myself into thinking i was doing just fine.  i thought i was trusting you, yet i've been grasping at anything and everything except you hoping to find whatever it is i'm looking for.'  and then...i just let it all go.  surrender is a terrifying thing.  surrender to the One who knows the number of hairs on my head (matt 10:30) and has plans to give me a future and a hope (jer. 29:11) is a pretty wonderful thing.

as i'm processing all of this i thought of the story of Jesus walking on the water:

24 but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. 25 And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. 26 But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”

28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”  -Matthew 14:24-33 (ESV)

raise your hand if you've heard this story a million and one times? *raises hand* yeah.  me too. 

so, as i'm thinking about this story in the bible, i think, 'you know...isn't that just kind of how my life has been?'  I'm far from the safety of dry land - I've made some pretty big steps and risks in my life the last year.  I'm in the midst of a storm - lots of stuff is going on around me, the safety and security of what i once knew to be the norm in my life is far behind me.  the boat i've been in, though it was being tossed in the storm, was the only place of safety i had.  I start freaking out and God says 'I'm here.  don't be afraid.'  and now that my fears have been calmed, it's time to step out of the boat.  

it sounds real nice and exciting (and i am excited!!), but i know i have a long way to go.  the uncertainty and unknown are still whipping around me.  notice that peter stepped out of the boat while it was still storming and the wind was still blowing.  it wasn't until peter and Jesus got back in the boat that the winds ceased.

interesting times are ahead of me, but i am so very thankful that my future does not lie in my hands alone.  especially since, as i am often reminded by others, i have such small hands.