no particular place to go

i'm dog sitting out in the middle of nowhere.  this means no running up to the starbucks a mile from my house for a weekend fix or catching up with friends,  no spontaneous lunch plans, and very little interaction with humans.  this does however mean a trip to the local walmart for groceries...in sherman...15 miles away.  and that means very interesting people watching.  i think i giggled for about 30 minutes straight (which was the amount of time i was there).  it's saturday, so there were LOTS of people doing their weekend shopping.  there were lots of, shall we say mature, people there.  and more motorize shopping carts than i think i've ever seen used at one time.  then there were the 2...um...old ladies (what?  they had very white hair!) who seemed to be watching the potatoes.  they were blocking the spinach, and i was trying to patiently wait my turn, but i couldn't figure out why they were just standing there.  i followed their gazes, but they just seemed to be staring at the bags of potatoes. 

let's not forget to mention the speed of operation in this walmart.  in dallas we are known for our *ahem* aggressive driving...i think that goes for shopping as well.  when it comes to shopping for me, i have been known to do my fair share of meandering, but i had a list this time and knew what i was there for.  this wasn't retail therapy time.  oh but the sherman walmart had other plans for me.  i kind of felt like i was in a slow motion movie, but i was moving at regular speed. i often think in film and soundtrack mode i watch a lot of movies and was an rtvf major.

the icing on the cake was the woman i saw in the check-out line with too much make-up (including a disturbingly dark shade of lip liner with a light colored lipstick) wearing about 2 gold anklets on each ankle, and 2 gold toe rings on one of her feet.  i cannot confirm nor deny the presence of toe rings on her other foot.

good times.  now i'm off to make my first ever attempt at crepes.  cue french cafe music!

this is bruce (or 'brucie' as we often call him).  he likes toys.

my weekend entertainment.

birthday

'you say it's your birthday...na na na na...it's my birthday, too yeah...na na na na'

i'm turning 30 in nine days.

*gasp*

i'm ok.

since it's such a landmark bday, this year i wanted to create memories unlike ever before, i wanted to look better than ever (30x30 fail), and i wanted to have fun and laugh lots!  i ran the gamut of things to do and people to celebrate with.  i finally landed on some plans, got my party dress and recently added my party shoes.

if i'm gonna cross the threshold into 30, i'm gonna have some shoes that say 'HELLO THIRTY'!  (please don't laugh or judge if i fall, trip, limp or end up sitting a lot on my birthday, but i couldn't resist wearing some rockin' shoes!)

don't let me down

epic fail. 

it's not even noon and i've accomplished that much.  to keep it short and simple, this week (and perhaps longer) have not been ideal in my world.  so, i did what any neurotic girl would do.  i started cooking.  when life is out of control...cook.  i've long enjoyed the art of cooking.  it's a practical talent...life-giving, if you will.  it can be fun. and perhaps what i like best about it is i can make it pretty!  yep, i like pretty food.  cooking is one of those things that can tantalize all your senses...taste, touch, sight, smell, and if it's fajitas (or anything fried)...hearing! 

this rainy, dreary morning i decided to attempt a recipe i'd been wanting to try.  the recipe was called 'blintz' pancakes...kind of a healthy take on blintzes and different take on pancakes combined.  i followed the recipe very conscientiously (anyone who knows me knows that's the gospel truth), yet somewhere in my reading the recipe and putting it into action my blintz pancakes failed.  miserably. 

so, instead of crying and having an emotional breakdown in the kitchen like julie (in the scene from the movie julie and julia), i salvaged what seemed edible (not pictured above) and cut up some strawberries, poured on some maple syrup and proceeded to eat my breakfast.  then i gathered what wits i had left, took a picture for your viewing pleasure and cleaned up the evidence of my catastrophe.

despite my failure, i did manage to make a pretty good cup of french press coffee.  it's the little things.

these boots were made for walking

it's the middle of august.  the thermometer is reading 109, but it feels like it is 150.  it is about this time of year that i start longing for cool days for boots, scarves and pumpkin spice lattes.  or pumpkin cookies.  or pumpkin pie. or pumpkin bread.  (are we seeing a pattern here?)

my sister was in need of black flats today.  i was in need of nothing.  i was in major want of a pair of boots i'd been eyeing online.  so my sister dragged me by my ears into my favorite dsw location and forced me to zone in on boots that where nearly identical to the ones i'd been obsessing over (the only difference was some detailing on the side).  *sigh*  it was meant to be.  it was the siren song of shoes.  the world around me faded to black as i kicked off my summer wedges, found the awful, weird disposable socky things (within hands reach of the boots.  another sign, of course) and zipped up the lovely leather boots with nary a struggle (i have shapely calves, if you will, so this was another sign it was meant to be.  also, apparently one calf is bigger than the other and i might have cut off some circulation to my left calf, but by golly i got that zipper all the way up!  and thankfully leather stretches.)

i pulled the box and lid together with all the ridiculous amounts of tissue paper, picked up my other shoes, and hauled across the store to show off the boots to my sister. 

now, these boots aren't anything fancy.  they just seem like great everyday boots.  and i like boots.  so, get used to seeing these guys often.  (i just had a flash of sandra bullock's character in 'all about steve' and her red patent leather boots, but these really do go with everything!)

under the sea

as i approach 30 i've been trying to 'put away my childish ways' and get over some of my self-imposed fears and try some new things.  a couple weeks ago one of my bffs and i decided that we should try to add fish to our diets.  neither one of us eat anything that swims (crustacean or otherwise), but we recognize that there are health (and social) benefits to adding fish to our menus.  so, we found a fish recipe that seemed harmless enough...and of course documented the evening thanks to her iphone.

at the grocery store...we chose tilapia as it was recommended for being the mildest tasting fish (also it was what our recipe called for...how convenient!)

iris waiting for our fish to be packaged.

 

 

preparing the fish

the assembly line: fish, flour, egg, cornflakes (and recipe book, of course!)

cute plates with fish on them.  helps make the adventure more fun.

ahh...the finished product.  baked fish, mixed veggies and rice.  and assorted dipping sauces to suit my palate.

the first bite.  it's just meat, it's just meat, it's just meat...

iris' turn.  no fear!

the reward for our efforts: chocolate peanut butter espresso freeze from cafe brazil.  yummy! 

 we accomplished what we set out to do with surprising results.  we liked it (hey...mikey likes it!)

big girls don't cry

what the helicopter is going on with me!?  it's like my emotions have come out of left field.  is this something that happens to people my age that my 30-something (i mean 29 year-old) friends never warned me about?  i spent the better part of my late teens and 20s not really being much of a crier.  the exception to that rule was if i was with my mom and sister.  one dramatic example was when my 'contract was not renewed' with a company i had been working for for two years while i was in college (which totally worked out as the company shortly thereafter went out of business after the ceo was investigated by the fbi and arrested.  looooong story).  at the time this happened i had been planning to spend the next summer studying in london.  i remember very vividly crying on the phone with my mom exclaiming, 'i *sob* will *sob* go *sob* to *sob* london!!'

an example of my cold-hearted ways was when one of my best friends was shocked to see me cry while watching 'sisterhood of the traveling pants' (it was emotional, people!)  we had been friends for a couple of years at this point.

well, in the last year things have significantly changed.  i cry at every flippin' little thing.  my aforementioned best friend having a baby, commercials, cheesy hallmark and lifetime movies, articles in magazines, the auditions for 'so you think you can dance' (every episode!  i almost thought i'd have to give up the show)...ugh...the list goes on.  it's embarrassing really. 

*sigh*  just another one of those growing up things my mother didn't warn me about. (and yes, that's what i'm gonna blame it on)

backfire

sometimes inspiration strikes at the oddest times.  i.e. while brushing my teeth.  seriously...i was brushing my teeth and had an aha! moment.  ok, it wasn't so much 'aha!' as it was 'hmm?'

so, i have dear single friend i was driving with the other night.  and i'm not even sure how it came up, but our conversation turned to online dating, in which we have both dabbled in the past...very unsuccessfully.  in dealing with a frustrating boy situation she made an off-hand remark to the effect of, 'i'm at the point of going back to online dating.' translating to, 'things are so not good, that i'm at the point of facing a frustrating, somewhat humiliating, cattle call, and clinical approach to dating.' this is a sad state of affairs.  and i don't know about this friend, but inevitably, if someone in my world is brave enough to bring up the 'why are you still single?' subject of conversation they try to delicately ask me if i've tried online dating.   ah yes.  the hush hush, i-know-it's-embarrassing-but-so-and-so's-daughter's-best friend's-cousin-met-someone-online-and-they-got-married-last-year conversation.  good times.

being single for a decade offers one more time than is really healthy to chew on, process, digest, analyze and all but go crazy.  it's a sickness.  (i've also learned that there will be no cure.  even if i do end up with prince charming, i know i'll continue in my silly, crazy ways because i'm cool like that).

here was my profound, teeth-brushing thought: 'what if you can't afford online dating?'  literally.  it's expensive, people!  and not even just online stuff, there's speed dating, 'it's just lunch' lunches, match makers, social mixers.  this stuff is not free!  and it's exhausting.  asking and answering the same questions over and over.  do you like to travel? (um...yeah.)  what's your favorite color? (depends on what it's for and the day) what's your favorite music? (depends on the day and my mood) what's your favorite movie (i have like 20 favorite movies) what's your favorite restaurant? (depends on what i'm craving).  are we seeing a problem here? other than i have decision making problems.

what if you're just a normal(-ish) girl, who's trying to live life to the best of her ability (with the help of Jesus whom she loves.  uh-oh.  she's one of those Christians who goes to church regularly and means it!), is completely oblivious but likes to observe, and is terrified of even letting on that she might like somebody because they could find out (and then it's just awkward and he runs away screaming like a little girl never to return).  and holy cow...is so tired of trying to figure out if some guy might like her.  (the answer is maybe.  then he meets someone else whom he will most likely marry.  it happens.  all. the. time.)

and seriously, if someone says to me something to the tune of 'some guy will be lucky to have you' or 'you're still young' or 'some day you'll meet your perfect match'...blah blah blah.  i might cut you.  (i learned that from a friend and i think it succinctly gets the point across)  i've been hearing those lines since i was 14.  while they might be true, they make me want to sucker punch people, and that's just not very nice.

hmm...maybe i have some anger issues to work on.

sweet dreams (are made of this)

hi.  crazy girl here.  it has been an interesting week in dream land for me.  it's pretty common for me to remember my dreams, but my dreams this week have seemed really intense and emotional.

i had a dream the other night...maybe wednesday night...about a friend's dad dying.  in my dream i was absolutely heartbroken.  i woke up thinking, 'what the crap?'  not only was i concerned about that family for the rest of the day (and tempted to call them to make sure everything was ok), i had a haunting feeling that i had been having other stressful dreams, so i made a mental note to see if there was a pattern.

when i woke up this morning, i was mentally recounting my dreams and thought, 'yeah, there's definitely a disturbing pattern.'  except i got a two for the price of one deal last night.  first, i had a dream about my grandfather and that he was in the hospital and had been diagnosed with a bunch of maladies.  then i had another dream that i was on a cruise with some couples, was feeling down on myself (b/c i was again the only single person), somehow managed to fall overboard, was rescued by a crew member (who was channing tatum...which totally makes me giggle...a lot).  there was an instant connection between us, but because he was a crew member of the ship it was a forbidden. once me and channing tatum were interviewed by the captain of the ship about the overboard incident we couldn't be seen together.  although channing tatum didn't say much in my dream, so it might have been unrequited love (really?  this is my surprised face).  and while i was trying to explain the overboard incident, the captain turned on a tv and never heard the whole story.

this is apparently what happens when my real life conversations include such topics as death, cremation, boys, non-existant relationships, family relationships, hot guys, and cruises.  not all these topics were discussed at the same time nor with the same people.  apparently restlessness and hormones are manifesting themselves in some funny, funny ways!

this is what happens in my subconscious mind, people.  i'm afraid my conscious mind rarely makes much more sense.

intergalactic

this is what happens when a washing machine floods your house...

an invasion of little green things.  i walked in on them this morning while seeking out my favorite morning ritual, coffee.

i felt like i was disturbing their investigation of the house.

they were hiding out in several corners trying to look inconspicuous, but i was on to their game!

i think they're having an important meeting here.

these are a few rogue ones in the dining room.

it's a dangerous world we live in.  good thing i made it out of the house alive...i think i fooled those noisy, nosey little suckers (err...blowers?) into thinking i was one of them since i was wearing a similar shade of green dress today!  (no pic, sorry.)

silent sea

i love water. i prefer to be safely on top of water if i'm on a lake or ocean. if i'm in water i like to be where i can see the bottom and there are no big, scary creatures swimming around me (if i can't see through the water i have mini panic attacks and have to tell myself that are no creatures or dead bodies...ohmygosh, did something just touch me!?)

moving on...when i am in water (whether immersed or on some kind of floating contraption) i feel giddy. free. happy. *sigh* even just thinking about it i feel at a loss of words (but not for long). i love the motion of the water, whether it is soothing, gently rocking waves...or being strapped in on a speed boat doing 360 degree turns (AWESOME!!! by the way). and i love the weightlessness of being in the water...not being held down by the force of gravity. the irony of this life aquatic euphoria is that i don't eat seafood and seriously, the last thing i want to be scampering around in is a swimsuit! if i could rock jeans, a flattering top and ridiculous heels while swimming, i totally would (at least i wouldn't have to worry about busting it in 4-inch heels!)

i share all of this because it's kind of how my life feels right now. there's something about the moment i hit the water where i feel like i can breath. and i'm taking in deep, life giving breathes! i don't have all the answers or all the details of how my life and career are going to look and work out. and for once in my life i'm totally ok with that. ok, mostly ok. there are a few moments where i'm going 'oh crap, what have i done?' but then i keep breathing and feel peace and contentment return. it's kind of a weird place to be because it seems like most people are fighting and struggling for contentment (which seems kind of defeating). for now i'm enjoying the (boat) ride and looking forward to what's next.

free

*deep breath* *exhale*

cautious, careful, planned and informed decision maker me quit my job today! and i feel relief. a small bit of fear, but much excited anticipation at what awaits me. instead of watching others actively pursue the changes they desire, i am finally (after more deliberation than is really necessary) taking a bit of a risk and a chance on my future. the silly thing is, i probably have more confidence and support in this new journey than attempting to pull off the latest fashion trend! it may not be much of a risk for some, but it is for me!

this journey is to be continued... (yay!!)

alive

for weeks i've been trying to piece together coherent thoughts that i felt were blog worthy. i've gone down many rabbit trails, even started a few incomplete ramblings. but honestly, that's how the last few months in my world have been. fragmented bursts of thoughts and emotions. it's exhausting. :)

so, here's my hopefully not so incomplete thought for the day...

i've been a christian for most of my life. i am not patient, and i am not an academic. reading for me is a leisure activity. so, when i read the bible i read it more like a book. like, 'oh isn't that interesting or entertaining.' study it? well, therein lies a weakness. in the last couple of months i've been part of a bible study (of the book of colossians) that has forced me to slow down. to read and reread, to analyze. to look things up and cross-reference. not something that comes real easy for me. and just doesn't sound like fun. but it's been good. real good!

i posted this verse on my fb status in honor of easter and what today means to me.

'And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.' Col 2:13-15

why this for easter? easter is a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. a man whose life and death (and resurrection) is the cause of so much debate, belief, disbelief, hope (the list goes on!) for 2000 years!

what does this verse mean to me? well, as a living, breathing human being i was dead in my trespasses (i.e. a sinner. imperfect. unholy. not worthy to be in the presence of a holy and perfect God). Jesus, the image of God, in whom the fulness of Diety dwelt, fully man and fully God was put to a most excruciating death. He was the only perfection on this earth and was put to death. but He overcame death! that's a pretty dang big deal!! because of this event Jesus was not bound by human laws, the laws of the world. the list of all the 'bad' things i have done (my 'record of debt', trespasses) was canceled, torn up, burned up, made completely non-existant because of the retribution Christ made for all (ALL!!!) when He died. Because He rose again, he triumphed over death and what His death represented (the punishment of wrong doing).

this, my dear friends, is totally and completely worth celebrating. and makes me complete and whole. not broken and fragmented like my thoughts and emotions.