leave the pieces

after doing some self-reflection (i.e. reviewing past blogs and my journal) i notice i have a habit of blogging/writing around this general time of year about my hope for the coming year (also i have some reoccuring themes that need to stop occuring...)  my thought is that perhaps instead of starting my new year on january first, maybe i should create a fiscal year for myself.  that way my new year starts at a different time.  i seem to do ok on my ideas and goals til about half way through the year.  then life happens and the last part of the year i spend looking forward to the end of the year so i can start over.  well, this is kind of a crappy way to live, if you ask me (you did ask, right?)

i know that most well-meaning people would affirm and validate my frustrations of the last several years.  The last decade of my life has been...well...just like the average person's i suppose.  it's had its ups and downs and fair share of stuggles and disappointments.  but honestly, i want a whole heck of a lot more than 'this year will be better!'  the reality is that it may or may not be better.  all my dreams may not come true.  and crap happens.  

so, what am i gonna do about it?  well, i don't quite know.  but admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?  i think (hope?) that i'm in for some changes this year.  some may affect me, some will affect others more directly than myself (my brother-in-law is coming home...so that's gonna rock my sister's world and will affect our relationship as i know it), and others will probably come out of left field.  perhaps this year will be more about having the serenity to accept the things i cannot change; the courage to change the things i can; and the wisdom to know know the difference (hmmm...that has a familiar ring to it...)

despite the cliche sense of that familiar prayer, there's a lot of truth to it.  I hope to spend more time living in the will of God (instead of questioning it or placing it on the backburner).  I would like to truly engage myself in the things that make me happy...not in a selfish way, but in the sense that when i'm doing the things that God gave me the talent and desire for then not only am i living in his will...my life and relationships are oh so much better.

my hope and prayers for you are the same.  i love to see my loved ones achieve their hopes and dreams.  from the little things to the great big, life altering things.  

cheers, peeps!

here i go again

i have a new motto (cuz i'm lacking so much in mottos, theories, and whatnot), 'those who don't date, craft'. yep. i've decided to take ownership of my crafty ways. why not? if you got it, flaunt it, right?

i have to admit that i've been somewhat of a closet crafter. ok, not so much to those who know me or have received any of my handmade goods. some have been disastrous* (um...i believe it was valentines day 1990 that i decided i needed to make handmade, stamped valentines for my whole class. that was not the first, nor the last time, i was up until all hours cramming to fulfill my 'genius' plan).

it all started as a very young girl whose mother is also a craft junkie...who got it from her mother. holidays were spent concocting what i was going to make everyone for christmas (oh and i've done so many different, cheesy cmas gifts...). summers were spent with my grandmother doing ceramics, cross-stitch, and painting those plastic stained glass thingies. it wasn't until recently that i realized not everyone did that. i have a fond memory of my mother having an exorcist-head-spinning moment in ikea a couple years ago when we overheard a woman asking an employee what people did with the fabric-by-the-yard that could be purchased. 'you mean, you can make stuff with it!?' no worries though...my mother did not tackle the poor, ignorant woman...but we did have to quickly walk away.

i do feel that my crafting, and perhaps the art of crafting (it can be an art, people!) has definitely taken on a bit more sophistication and acceptance among a new generation. then again, i could just be trying to rationalize my nerdy-ness for a sense of affirmation. *sigh* ah well.

what was i saying? oh yes...so, crafting in the 21st century has definitely become a whole new ballgame. there are lots of blogs and websites, new ideas, new fabric designers (a la amy butler, etc), there are websites dedicated to retailing handmade goods. it's not all toilet paper cozies anymore! (thank goodness...i mean, why does your tp have to stay 'cozy'?) There are definitely still a lot of scary things out there...but also a lot of cool things. i could go on and on...but um, i've got stuff to do. christmas will be here before i know it!!

(i didn't just confirm my singleness for the rest of my life, did i? well, i suppose i can make socks, scarves, blankets, etc to keep me warm at night. somebody please stop me before i start collecting cats....)


*another disastrous craft is a white hankerchief that my dad *still* has that i drew his picture on when i was probably all of 5 years old. i believe it's a stick figure and i was going through a phase where i was attempting to capture the true likeness of a nose, nostrils and all. so, yes, friends...it looks like a pig nose. that was probably the last time i attempted to draw something for someone.

after we have left our homes

i am the new girl.  this does not help my shy, awkward girl-ness.

i'm slowly, but surely, settling into my new job and work environment.  fortunately the culture at my new place of employment is not a great leap from the one i was accustomed.  it doesn't hurt that i'm working in the same industry.  also, there are some familiar faces due to the fact that i worked with some of my now coworkers while i was at my last job.  it certainly helps the transition.  oh...and i still get to work with some of my former colleagues (yeah!)

with all that being said, i would like to share a couple of social observations.  

since i'm the new girl, i have yet to establish my lunch buddies.  fortunately i get to spare myself the awkard 'who do i sit with in the school cafeteria' routine.  however, at noon every day i do get to attempt to figure out what to do with myself for an hour.  because being a *ahem* young woman in bustling downtown/uptown dallas, eating alone in a restaurant at lunch is not commonplace (though not unheard of).  this is social observation number one. though the couple of places i have been during my lunch hour have had a handful of table's for one for the male population...seems to be that the females much prefer parties of 2 or more.  just for the record, yes, i do try to look as invisible as possible while eating by myself at pei wei.  my breathing slows.  i try to make as little movement as possible.  and for the love, DO NOT look anyone in the eyes.  this can all be difficult to accomplish while your vietnamese chicken salad rolls are falling apart and breaking off into your peanut sauce.  (oh the drama!)

for my second observation, the dress code is definitely kicked up a notch.  not so much in my office necessarily.  let's just say, some men do know how to dress!  i certainly appreciate a casual work environment...heck, i try to limit wearing my 4-inch heels to only 1 day a week, but i do feel motivated to dress a little more on the business side of 'business casual'.  which i'm totally ok with...as long as flats are fashionably acceptable on occasion (and even if they're not, some days i just don't care!)

since i am still establishing lunch buddies, lunch time has been filled with some personal little adventures.  i've taken the daily hour long opportunity to familiarize myself with the area (fortunately i already knew my way around, but have never had to process what is actually in the area).  today i got to discover an antique/junk store not far from my office.  they had me at the sign that looked like a london tube stop.  :)  i see future lunch breaks spent wandering around there.

and speaking of um...social observations...has anyone been to peopleofwalmart.com?  tragic.  it is a thousand trainwrecks compiled onto one website. 

i get it

i'm not a fan of politics. maybe if greedy, dirty people weren't involved it would be a different story. but there's so much trash to wade through to get to the truth (ha!) of what one's political agenda is, that i would much rather not deal with it. though i suppose that is an issue for another day. so, just a disclaimer that it's not a lack of interest or desire to be involved. i just have other things to process in my world, that figuring out the convoluted mess that is politics...um, no thank you.

so, on to what inspired this little tirade. a friend of mine sent me an article about a 14 year old boy who started building windmills in his village in africa. 14 years old! he found a book, looked at the pictures and started constructing a windmill for electricity. people mocked him, and even his family thought he was crazy. like, literally crazy...off his rocker. it wasn't just, 'oh, he'll grow out of this phase.' (i couldn't help but think of noah when he was building the ark.)

anyway, the last two paragraphs really caught my attention and i feel the need to share them.

Kamkwamba is part of a generation of Africans who are not waiting for their governments or aid groups to come to their rescue, according to the author.

"They are seizing opportunities and technology, and finding solutions to their own problems," Mealer said. "One of the keys of his success is ... he's never wanted to rest on his laurels."

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/10/05/malawi.wind.boy/index.html

as americans (rather part of the human race), we have a tendency to use whatever scapegoat we can find for our problems. and in american society, well we sure do like to blame whoever is 'in charge' for the state of our bank accounts, debt, and quality of life. i have a hard time not wanting to shake people and say, 'look! the common denominator in your problems is YOU!' no matter where you are, where you work, who you spend your time with (or how bad they screwed you over) you're still stuck with you. (p.s. stop blaming mommy and daddy for all your problems. seriously.)

so, anyway...back to the inspiring story of a boy who built a windmill. i really hope to see a group of people who take control of their own lives, instead of depending on a government who is full of flawed and imperfect people to fix the problems of human society. i'm not supporting anarchy or any kind of revolution or anything. just saying, 'hey. if you know what your needs are, what are you doing about meeting them?' easier said than done. and you know, i get it. i'm unemployed and it's not a walk in the park. but it's up to me to deal with it. and i promise you i'm not making all the perfect and right decisions, but i'm certainly not sitting around twiddling my thumbs expecting the government (or anyone else really) to come knock on my door and make it all ok. what matters is what i'm doing about it.

black water

i was proud of myself today.  (i do that on occasion since i require affirmation...even if i get it from myself.)  anyway, i was proud of myself for waking up at a decent time (e.g. before 8:30am) without an alarm clock.  part of me knows that even though i'm unemployed doesn't mean i should sleep in.  the other part of me HATES alarm clocks.  and that part of me wins.

in true gr fashion, i reward myself for awaking at such a time by going downstairs for a cup of coffee.  a perk (heehee) of renting a room at your parents' home is that about 97% of the time someone else is up earlier to make said coffee.  upon arrival in the kitchen, i discover what looks like a small flood of muddy water and coffee grinds taking over the counter.  another note about myself is that in most moments of crisis, i do not panic.  so i calmly stand there and manage to say, 'um...mom?'  to which i get a response of my mother dashing into the kitchen, exasperated at the sight and exclaiming, 'not again!'  apparently the coffee maker had already exploded once before this morning.  and seriously, when all you want in the morning...when all you get out of bed for in the morning...is a simple cup of coffee, this is unacceptable!  

you see, i hate this stupid coffee maker.  it looks cool.  has lots of little lights and buttons on it and a stainless steel carafe, but every step of the coffee making process is ridiculous.  it doesn't even have a simple 'on' button.  it has a 'select/off' button (which somehow makes the machine brew).  i could go on and on about the lack of intuitive use this machine has.  i would recommend having a cup of coffee or two before even attempting to approach this contraption.

after the clean up on aisle 3, and straining the grounds out of what coffee did make it into the carafe, i learned a little bit of a life lesson.  isn't that how a lot of us live our lives these days?  all bright and shiny and modern.  built for the same purpose of ages ago, yet somehow we've made things so much more convoluted, difficult and frustrating.  change and progress for the better is one thing.  creating a more difficult way to accomplish a simple task seems silly.  (and i certainly do the latter more often than not.)

through the dark

i seem to have been at a loss for words for quite some time, hence a lack of blogging.  my world as i've known it has tilted on its axis a bit.  there have been a lot of changes...which take me some time to adjust to.  it seems that just as soon as i feel like i'm getting back to 'normal' something else comes up.  in a year i have moved, severed a family relationship, seen my mom overcome breast cancer, welcomed my bff's daughter into the world, and most recently i've been laid off a job i've been at for 4 years.  good times.  

anyway, all that to say that i know the life changes will only contine to come full speed ahead.  i've spent so much time in the last 9 or 10 months trying to live my life to the fullest and jumping on opportunities that come my way, that i inadvertantly lost sight of the one thing that in my mind should come first.  i even tried to convince myself that my relationship with Christ was where it needed to be, but in a sense where there was so much hardship i also felt incredibly blessed.  i just felt like i didn't want to rock the boat too much by complaining or commiserating over the state of my life.  my faith has been on autopilot.  and now, well, i'm trying to refocus where my heart and my life should be.

onward and forward...