backfire

sometimes inspiration strikes at the oddest times.  i.e. while brushing my teeth.  seriously...i was brushing my teeth and had an aha! moment.  ok, it wasn't so much 'aha!' as it was 'hmm?'

so, i have dear single friend i was driving with the other night.  and i'm not even sure how it came up, but our conversation turned to online dating, in which we have both dabbled in the past...very unsuccessfully.  in dealing with a frustrating boy situation she made an off-hand remark to the effect of, 'i'm at the point of going back to online dating.' translating to, 'things are so not good, that i'm at the point of facing a frustrating, somewhat humiliating, cattle call, and clinical approach to dating.' this is a sad state of affairs.  and i don't know about this friend, but inevitably, if someone in my world is brave enough to bring up the 'why are you still single?' subject of conversation they try to delicately ask me if i've tried online dating.   ah yes.  the hush hush, i-know-it's-embarrassing-but-so-and-so's-daughter's-best friend's-cousin-met-someone-online-and-they-got-married-last-year conversation.  good times.

being single for a decade offers one more time than is really healthy to chew on, process, digest, analyze and all but go crazy.  it's a sickness.  (i've also learned that there will be no cure.  even if i do end up with prince charming, i know i'll continue in my silly, crazy ways because i'm cool like that).

here was my profound, teeth-brushing thought: 'what if you can't afford online dating?'  literally.  it's expensive, people!  and not even just online stuff, there's speed dating, 'it's just lunch' lunches, match makers, social mixers.  this stuff is not free!  and it's exhausting.  asking and answering the same questions over and over.  do you like to travel? (um...yeah.)  what's your favorite color? (depends on what it's for and the day) what's your favorite music? (depends on the day and my mood) what's your favorite movie (i have like 20 favorite movies) what's your favorite restaurant? (depends on what i'm craving).  are we seeing a problem here? other than i have decision making problems.

what if you're just a normal(-ish) girl, who's trying to live life to the best of her ability (with the help of Jesus whom she loves.  uh-oh.  she's one of those Christians who goes to church regularly and means it!), is completely oblivious but likes to observe, and is terrified of even letting on that she might like somebody because they could find out (and then it's just awkward and he runs away screaming like a little girl never to return).  and holy cow...is so tired of trying to figure out if some guy might like her.  (the answer is maybe.  then he meets someone else whom he will most likely marry.  it happens.  all. the. time.)

and seriously, if someone says to me something to the tune of 'some guy will be lucky to have you' or 'you're still young' or 'some day you'll meet your perfect match'...blah blah blah.  i might cut you.  (i learned that from a friend and i think it succinctly gets the point across)  i've been hearing those lines since i was 14.  while they might be true, they make me want to sucker punch people, and that's just not very nice.

hmm...maybe i have some anger issues to work on.

sweet dreams (are made of this)

hi.  crazy girl here.  it has been an interesting week in dream land for me.  it's pretty common for me to remember my dreams, but my dreams this week have seemed really intense and emotional.

i had a dream the other night...maybe wednesday night...about a friend's dad dying.  in my dream i was absolutely heartbroken.  i woke up thinking, 'what the crap?'  not only was i concerned about that family for the rest of the day (and tempted to call them to make sure everything was ok), i had a haunting feeling that i had been having other stressful dreams, so i made a mental note to see if there was a pattern.

when i woke up this morning, i was mentally recounting my dreams and thought, 'yeah, there's definitely a disturbing pattern.'  except i got a two for the price of one deal last night.  first, i had a dream about my grandfather and that he was in the hospital and had been diagnosed with a bunch of maladies.  then i had another dream that i was on a cruise with some couples, was feeling down on myself (b/c i was again the only single person), somehow managed to fall overboard, was rescued by a crew member (who was channing tatum...which totally makes me giggle...a lot).  there was an instant connection between us, but because he was a crew member of the ship it was a forbidden. once me and channing tatum were interviewed by the captain of the ship about the overboard incident we couldn't be seen together.  although channing tatum didn't say much in my dream, so it might have been unrequited love (really?  this is my surprised face).  and while i was trying to explain the overboard incident, the captain turned on a tv and never heard the whole story.

this is apparently what happens when my real life conversations include such topics as death, cremation, boys, non-existant relationships, family relationships, hot guys, and cruises.  not all these topics were discussed at the same time nor with the same people.  apparently restlessness and hormones are manifesting themselves in some funny, funny ways!

this is what happens in my subconscious mind, people.  i'm afraid my conscious mind rarely makes much more sense.

intergalactic

this is what happens when a washing machine floods your house...

an invasion of little green things.  i walked in on them this morning while seeking out my favorite morning ritual, coffee.

i felt like i was disturbing their investigation of the house.

they were hiding out in several corners trying to look inconspicuous, but i was on to their game!

i think they're having an important meeting here.

these are a few rogue ones in the dining room.

it's a dangerous world we live in.  good thing i made it out of the house alive...i think i fooled those noisy, nosey little suckers (err...blowers?) into thinking i was one of them since i was wearing a similar shade of green dress today!  (no pic, sorry.)

silent sea

i love water. i prefer to be safely on top of water if i'm on a lake or ocean. if i'm in water i like to be where i can see the bottom and there are no big, scary creatures swimming around me (if i can't see through the water i have mini panic attacks and have to tell myself that are no creatures or dead bodies...ohmygosh, did something just touch me!?)

moving on...when i am in water (whether immersed or on some kind of floating contraption) i feel giddy. free. happy. *sigh* even just thinking about it i feel at a loss of words (but not for long). i love the motion of the water, whether it is soothing, gently rocking waves...or being strapped in on a speed boat doing 360 degree turns (AWESOME!!! by the way). and i love the weightlessness of being in the water...not being held down by the force of gravity. the irony of this life aquatic euphoria is that i don't eat seafood and seriously, the last thing i want to be scampering around in is a swimsuit! if i could rock jeans, a flattering top and ridiculous heels while swimming, i totally would (at least i wouldn't have to worry about busting it in 4-inch heels!)

i share all of this because it's kind of how my life feels right now. there's something about the moment i hit the water where i feel like i can breath. and i'm taking in deep, life giving breathes! i don't have all the answers or all the details of how my life and career are going to look and work out. and for once in my life i'm totally ok with that. ok, mostly ok. there are a few moments where i'm going 'oh crap, what have i done?' but then i keep breathing and feel peace and contentment return. it's kind of a weird place to be because it seems like most people are fighting and struggling for contentment (which seems kind of defeating). for now i'm enjoying the (boat) ride and looking forward to what's next.

free

*deep breath* *exhale*

cautious, careful, planned and informed decision maker me quit my job today! and i feel relief. a small bit of fear, but much excited anticipation at what awaits me. instead of watching others actively pursue the changes they desire, i am finally (after more deliberation than is really necessary) taking a bit of a risk and a chance on my future. the silly thing is, i probably have more confidence and support in this new journey than attempting to pull off the latest fashion trend! it may not be much of a risk for some, but it is for me!

this journey is to be continued... (yay!!)

alive

for weeks i've been trying to piece together coherent thoughts that i felt were blog worthy. i've gone down many rabbit trails, even started a few incomplete ramblings. but honestly, that's how the last few months in my world have been. fragmented bursts of thoughts and emotions. it's exhausting. :)

so, here's my hopefully not so incomplete thought for the day...

i've been a christian for most of my life. i am not patient, and i am not an academic. reading for me is a leisure activity. so, when i read the bible i read it more like a book. like, 'oh isn't that interesting or entertaining.' study it? well, therein lies a weakness. in the last couple of months i've been part of a bible study (of the book of colossians) that has forced me to slow down. to read and reread, to analyze. to look things up and cross-reference. not something that comes real easy for me. and just doesn't sound like fun. but it's been good. real good!

i posted this verse on my fb status in honor of easter and what today means to me.

'And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.' Col 2:13-15

why this for easter? easter is a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. a man whose life and death (and resurrection) is the cause of so much debate, belief, disbelief, hope (the list goes on!) for 2000 years!

what does this verse mean to me? well, as a living, breathing human being i was dead in my trespasses (i.e. a sinner. imperfect. unholy. not worthy to be in the presence of a holy and perfect God). Jesus, the image of God, in whom the fulness of Diety dwelt, fully man and fully God was put to a most excruciating death. He was the only perfection on this earth and was put to death. but He overcame death! that's a pretty dang big deal!! because of this event Jesus was not bound by human laws, the laws of the world. the list of all the 'bad' things i have done (my 'record of debt', trespasses) was canceled, torn up, burned up, made completely non-existant because of the retribution Christ made for all (ALL!!!) when He died. Because He rose again, he triumphed over death and what His death represented (the punishment of wrong doing).

this, my dear friends, is totally and completely worth celebrating. and makes me complete and whole. not broken and fragmented like my thoughts and emotions.

leave the pieces

after doing some self-reflection (i.e. reviewing past blogs and my journal) i notice i have a habit of blogging/writing around this general time of year about my hope for the coming year (also i have some reoccuring themes that need to stop occuring...)  my thought is that perhaps instead of starting my new year on january first, maybe i should create a fiscal year for myself.  that way my new year starts at a different time.  i seem to do ok on my ideas and goals til about half way through the year.  then life happens and the last part of the year i spend looking forward to the end of the year so i can start over.  well, this is kind of a crappy way to live, if you ask me (you did ask, right?)

i know that most well-meaning people would affirm and validate my frustrations of the last several years.  The last decade of my life has been...well...just like the average person's i suppose.  it's had its ups and downs and fair share of stuggles and disappointments.  but honestly, i want a whole heck of a lot more than 'this year will be better!'  the reality is that it may or may not be better.  all my dreams may not come true.  and crap happens.  

so, what am i gonna do about it?  well, i don't quite know.  but admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?  i think (hope?) that i'm in for some changes this year.  some may affect me, some will affect others more directly than myself (my brother-in-law is coming home...so that's gonna rock my sister's world and will affect our relationship as i know it), and others will probably come out of left field.  perhaps this year will be more about having the serenity to accept the things i cannot change; the courage to change the things i can; and the wisdom to know know the difference (hmmm...that has a familiar ring to it...)

despite the cliche sense of that familiar prayer, there's a lot of truth to it.  I hope to spend more time living in the will of God (instead of questioning it or placing it on the backburner).  I would like to truly engage myself in the things that make me happy...not in a selfish way, but in the sense that when i'm doing the things that God gave me the talent and desire for then not only am i living in his will...my life and relationships are oh so much better.

my hope and prayers for you are the same.  i love to see my loved ones achieve their hopes and dreams.  from the little things to the great big, life altering things.  

cheers, peeps!

here i go again

i have a new motto (cuz i'm lacking so much in mottos, theories, and whatnot), 'those who don't date, craft'. yep. i've decided to take ownership of my crafty ways. why not? if you got it, flaunt it, right?

i have to admit that i've been somewhat of a closet crafter. ok, not so much to those who know me or have received any of my handmade goods. some have been disastrous* (um...i believe it was valentines day 1990 that i decided i needed to make handmade, stamped valentines for my whole class. that was not the first, nor the last time, i was up until all hours cramming to fulfill my 'genius' plan).

it all started as a very young girl whose mother is also a craft junkie...who got it from her mother. holidays were spent concocting what i was going to make everyone for christmas (oh and i've done so many different, cheesy cmas gifts...). summers were spent with my grandmother doing ceramics, cross-stitch, and painting those plastic stained glass thingies. it wasn't until recently that i realized not everyone did that. i have a fond memory of my mother having an exorcist-head-spinning moment in ikea a couple years ago when we overheard a woman asking an employee what people did with the fabric-by-the-yard that could be purchased. 'you mean, you can make stuff with it!?' no worries though...my mother did not tackle the poor, ignorant woman...but we did have to quickly walk away.

i do feel that my crafting, and perhaps the art of crafting (it can be an art, people!) has definitely taken on a bit more sophistication and acceptance among a new generation. then again, i could just be trying to rationalize my nerdy-ness for a sense of affirmation. *sigh* ah well.

what was i saying? oh yes...so, crafting in the 21st century has definitely become a whole new ballgame. there are lots of blogs and websites, new ideas, new fabric designers (a la amy butler, etc), there are websites dedicated to retailing handmade goods. it's not all toilet paper cozies anymore! (thank goodness...i mean, why does your tp have to stay 'cozy'?) There are definitely still a lot of scary things out there...but also a lot of cool things. i could go on and on...but um, i've got stuff to do. christmas will be here before i know it!!

(i didn't just confirm my singleness for the rest of my life, did i? well, i suppose i can make socks, scarves, blankets, etc to keep me warm at night. somebody please stop me before i start collecting cats....)


*another disastrous craft is a white hankerchief that my dad *still* has that i drew his picture on when i was probably all of 5 years old. i believe it's a stick figure and i was going through a phase where i was attempting to capture the true likeness of a nose, nostrils and all. so, yes, friends...it looks like a pig nose. that was probably the last time i attempted to draw something for someone.

after we have left our homes

i am the new girl.  this does not help my shy, awkward girl-ness.

i'm slowly, but surely, settling into my new job and work environment.  fortunately the culture at my new place of employment is not a great leap from the one i was accustomed.  it doesn't hurt that i'm working in the same industry.  also, there are some familiar faces due to the fact that i worked with some of my now coworkers while i was at my last job.  it certainly helps the transition.  oh...and i still get to work with some of my former colleagues (yeah!)

with all that being said, i would like to share a couple of social observations.  

since i'm the new girl, i have yet to establish my lunch buddies.  fortunately i get to spare myself the awkard 'who do i sit with in the school cafeteria' routine.  however, at noon every day i do get to attempt to figure out what to do with myself for an hour.  because being a *ahem* young woman in bustling downtown/uptown dallas, eating alone in a restaurant at lunch is not commonplace (though not unheard of).  this is social observation number one. though the couple of places i have been during my lunch hour have had a handful of table's for one for the male population...seems to be that the females much prefer parties of 2 or more.  just for the record, yes, i do try to look as invisible as possible while eating by myself at pei wei.  my breathing slows.  i try to make as little movement as possible.  and for the love, DO NOT look anyone in the eyes.  this can all be difficult to accomplish while your vietnamese chicken salad rolls are falling apart and breaking off into your peanut sauce.  (oh the drama!)

for my second observation, the dress code is definitely kicked up a notch.  not so much in my office necessarily.  let's just say, some men do know how to dress!  i certainly appreciate a casual work environment...heck, i try to limit wearing my 4-inch heels to only 1 day a week, but i do feel motivated to dress a little more on the business side of 'business casual'.  which i'm totally ok with...as long as flats are fashionably acceptable on occasion (and even if they're not, some days i just don't care!)

since i am still establishing lunch buddies, lunch time has been filled with some personal little adventures.  i've taken the daily hour long opportunity to familiarize myself with the area (fortunately i already knew my way around, but have never had to process what is actually in the area).  today i got to discover an antique/junk store not far from my office.  they had me at the sign that looked like a london tube stop.  :)  i see future lunch breaks spent wandering around there.

and speaking of um...social observations...has anyone been to peopleofwalmart.com?  tragic.  it is a thousand trainwrecks compiled onto one website. 

i get it

i'm not a fan of politics. maybe if greedy, dirty people weren't involved it would be a different story. but there's so much trash to wade through to get to the truth (ha!) of what one's political agenda is, that i would much rather not deal with it. though i suppose that is an issue for another day. so, just a disclaimer that it's not a lack of interest or desire to be involved. i just have other things to process in my world, that figuring out the convoluted mess that is politics...um, no thank you.

so, on to what inspired this little tirade. a friend of mine sent me an article about a 14 year old boy who started building windmills in his village in africa. 14 years old! he found a book, looked at the pictures and started constructing a windmill for electricity. people mocked him, and even his family thought he was crazy. like, literally crazy...off his rocker. it wasn't just, 'oh, he'll grow out of this phase.' (i couldn't help but think of noah when he was building the ark.)

anyway, the last two paragraphs really caught my attention and i feel the need to share them.

Kamkwamba is part of a generation of Africans who are not waiting for their governments or aid groups to come to their rescue, according to the author.

"They are seizing opportunities and technology, and finding solutions to their own problems," Mealer said. "One of the keys of his success is ... he's never wanted to rest on his laurels."

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/10/05/malawi.wind.boy/index.html

as americans (rather part of the human race), we have a tendency to use whatever scapegoat we can find for our problems. and in american society, well we sure do like to blame whoever is 'in charge' for the state of our bank accounts, debt, and quality of life. i have a hard time not wanting to shake people and say, 'look! the common denominator in your problems is YOU!' no matter where you are, where you work, who you spend your time with (or how bad they screwed you over) you're still stuck with you. (p.s. stop blaming mommy and daddy for all your problems. seriously.)

so, anyway...back to the inspiring story of a boy who built a windmill. i really hope to see a group of people who take control of their own lives, instead of depending on a government who is full of flawed and imperfect people to fix the problems of human society. i'm not supporting anarchy or any kind of revolution or anything. just saying, 'hey. if you know what your needs are, what are you doing about meeting them?' easier said than done. and you know, i get it. i'm unemployed and it's not a walk in the park. but it's up to me to deal with it. and i promise you i'm not making all the perfect and right decisions, but i'm certainly not sitting around twiddling my thumbs expecting the government (or anyone else really) to come knock on my door and make it all ok. what matters is what i'm doing about it.

black water

i was proud of myself today.  (i do that on occasion since i require affirmation...even if i get it from myself.)  anyway, i was proud of myself for waking up at a decent time (e.g. before 8:30am) without an alarm clock.  part of me knows that even though i'm unemployed doesn't mean i should sleep in.  the other part of me HATES alarm clocks.  and that part of me wins.

in true gr fashion, i reward myself for awaking at such a time by going downstairs for a cup of coffee.  a perk (heehee) of renting a room at your parents' home is that about 97% of the time someone else is up earlier to make said coffee.  upon arrival in the kitchen, i discover what looks like a small flood of muddy water and coffee grinds taking over the counter.  another note about myself is that in most moments of crisis, i do not panic.  so i calmly stand there and manage to say, 'um...mom?'  to which i get a response of my mother dashing into the kitchen, exasperated at the sight and exclaiming, 'not again!'  apparently the coffee maker had already exploded once before this morning.  and seriously, when all you want in the morning...when all you get out of bed for in the morning...is a simple cup of coffee, this is unacceptable!  

you see, i hate this stupid coffee maker.  it looks cool.  has lots of little lights and buttons on it and a stainless steel carafe, but every step of the coffee making process is ridiculous.  it doesn't even have a simple 'on' button.  it has a 'select/off' button (which somehow makes the machine brew).  i could go on and on about the lack of intuitive use this machine has.  i would recommend having a cup of coffee or two before even attempting to approach this contraption.

after the clean up on aisle 3, and straining the grounds out of what coffee did make it into the carafe, i learned a little bit of a life lesson.  isn't that how a lot of us live our lives these days?  all bright and shiny and modern.  built for the same purpose of ages ago, yet somehow we've made things so much more convoluted, difficult and frustrating.  change and progress for the better is one thing.  creating a more difficult way to accomplish a simple task seems silly.  (and i certainly do the latter more often than not.)

through the dark

i seem to have been at a loss for words for quite some time, hence a lack of blogging.  my world as i've known it has tilted on its axis a bit.  there have been a lot of changes...which take me some time to adjust to.  it seems that just as soon as i feel like i'm getting back to 'normal' something else comes up.  in a year i have moved, severed a family relationship, seen my mom overcome breast cancer, welcomed my bff's daughter into the world, and most recently i've been laid off a job i've been at for 4 years.  good times.  

anyway, all that to say that i know the life changes will only contine to come full speed ahead.  i've spent so much time in the last 9 or 10 months trying to live my life to the fullest and jumping on opportunities that come my way, that i inadvertantly lost sight of the one thing that in my mind should come first.  i even tried to convince myself that my relationship with Christ was where it needed to be, but in a sense where there was so much hardship i also felt incredibly blessed.  i just felt like i didn't want to rock the boat too much by complaining or commiserating over the state of my life.  my faith has been on autopilot.  and now, well, i'm trying to refocus where my heart and my life should be.

onward and forward...